In a popular TED Talk, Johann Hari laid out a compelling argument that everything we know about addiction is wrong and stressed that connection is the key to recovery and a healthier society.
He notes that addiction might be better thought of in different terms.
"Maybe we should call it bonding," Hari says. "Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we're happy and healthy, we'll bond and connect with each other, but if you can't do that, because you're traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that's our nature. That's what we want as human beings."
He shares that what often and sadly happens today is the addicted individual is confronted by family, employers and friends with a threat of separation and disconnect from the very thing the addicted craves — a bond, a connection. He cites the television reality show Intervention, in which this very scenario happens episode after episode.
"If you've ever seen the show Intervention, it's a pretty simple premise," says Hari. "Get an addict, all the people in their life, gather them together, confront them with what they're doing, and they say, if you don't shape up, we're going to cut you off. So what they do is they take the connection to the addict, and they threaten it, they make it contingent on the addict behaving the way they want."
Hari, like so many experts on addiction, believes this approach is damaging and only reinforces the psychological cycle that keeps the addict entrapped in their nightmare, and it is a nightmare because no one ever dreams of becoming an addict or alcoholic.
Hari submits that it is through love and the strengthening of connections that the addiction loses its power over the afflicted, over families and over relationships.
"What I've tried to do now, and I can't tell you I do it consistently and I can't tell you it's easy, is to say to the addicts in my life that I want to deepen the connection with them, to say to them, I love you whether you're using or you're not," Hari says. "I love you, whatever state you're in, and if you need me, I'll come and sit with you because I love you and I don't want you to be alone or to feel alone."
In his conclusion, Hari voices what every addict and alcoholic has longed to hear throughout their struggle:
"I think the core of that message — you're not alone, we love you — has to be at every level of how we respond to addicts, socially, politically and individually. For 100 years now, we've been singing war songs about addicts. I think all along we should have been singing love songs to them, because the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection."
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